You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Randomize
