You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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