You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
