I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
