considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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