is your mom at the bar?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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