i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
