Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
