Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
