Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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