I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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