my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
