Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize