i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize