is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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