She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
