How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
