he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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