They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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