It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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