If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
