cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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