Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
