Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
