so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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