hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
