Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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