1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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