Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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