we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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