i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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