also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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