My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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