Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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