On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
