dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
