oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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