Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
