I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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