Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
