I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
