I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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