Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
