and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
