I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
this hospital has no fireball
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
