I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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