We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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