I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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