I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
