She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
