Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
