so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
