we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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