i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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