mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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