Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
