Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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