last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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