I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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