I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
