I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
